Balemtimes

With one text from a girlfriend, one chocolate covered strawberry from my boss and a shout out from a previous boss who happened to be stopped by a red light as I was getting down from the car, my valentines fell short of what I've been used to.  I am so torn about feeling bad for myself and thinking about all those women who spent most of their days feeling unspecial.  I am not talking about not having that special someone, I am talking about having someone around who doesn't think your are special enough.  I might have done this to myself but I hope that's not true.  Whatever the reason is for today's painful outcome, I will continue to dream that one day love will find me again and I will no longer fear valentines day, nor my birthday, nor my wedding anniversary.

when apathy cannot relieve sadness

I believe no one is immune to drama, me in particular.  I used to dwell in it and eventually grew weary.  Tired of arguments, tired of romance, tired of facing the consequences of mischief, and even tired of dreaming big, I placed myself in between the land of I love you and I don't care. With no big laughs, nor loud sobs, no giggles, nor banging doors, my heart can take a break.  But today, this state of apathy is not providing any relief from my sadness.  My Mikoy has not spoken to me in weeks and has given very little indication of wishing to do so in the coming days.  Olie decides he does not want to talk to me just as I am mourning the loss of a friend.  A friend leaves a husband and four boys and all I can think about is the missed opportunity to send her my thoughts and prayers when she was still alive.  Tomorrow might be sunny and gay but today I know sadness engulfs me.

Dear Mylin, I heard a few moments ago that you are gone.  It pains me that you are not here specially when I think of all the reasons why you should be, but only our God can give the right reasons really.  I never heard the news when you first got sick, I just saw a picture of you on Facebook that didn't fit your old self.  I wanted so much to say I am praying for you but i didn't want you to explain what was happening for it might be too painful for you.  But I did think about you, every now and then, and said a prayer.  I was glad that you looked much better in the last picture you posted of your vacation.  Again, I wanted to say that you are in my prayers but hesitated thinking it didn't matter anymore, you were going to get well.  I sent my regards to Olie when he went home a few months ago and wanted to write a letter, but again, I hesitated.  I keep myself busy with work that whoever pops-up in my newsfeed is all I had time for.  I thought about you and Levy and the boys but I did not get out of my way to say hello.  I know in my heart that you were surrounded by people who loved you and prayed for you all the time so my words of comfort was not your loss.  But I am now realizing, big time, that it was mine... You are one of the most gracious and kindest woman I ever met and with four boys I would say one of the strongest as well.  I will miss you.